What makes a friend?
A kid asked me recently how you make a friend, and then followed it up with an even better question… what even is a friend? I gave him an answer at the time, but I’ve thought about it a few times since because it’s actually a pretty good question. We spend our entire lives making friends, losing friends, finding new ones, and trying to keep up with old ones, but I’m not sure how often we stop and think about what actually makes someone a friend.
As an adult, I think about the people I consider my friends and a lot of it is pretty simple. We go out to eat, watch sports, go to movies or concerts, play music, or just do the things we both like doing. Sometimes we talk on the phone, although that feels like it happens WAY less than it used to. But ultimately, I think a friend is someone who is there for you. They’re there when something really cool happens and you can’t wait to tell someone, but they’re also there when things are hard and you need somebody in your corner.
I also think we learn as we get older that there are all kinds of friends. As a kid, there’s so much emphasis on having a “best friend,” like we’re all supposed to choose one person and hand them the trophy. But life doesn’t really work that way. There are work friends, school friends, sports friends, friends you tell everything to, and friends you mostly just have a really good time with. There are also friends who are only around for a season. Sometimes nobody did anything wrong and nobody had some giant falling out… life just changed. Someone can be really important during one part of your life and not be part of the next one, and that doesn’t make the friendship any less real.
So how do you actually make a friend? I think you just have to put yourself out there a little bit. Say hi. Sit next to somebody. Ask a question. Invite someone to do something. Sometimes it’s awkward, and sometimes the other person doesn’t choose you back. That part isn’t particularly fun whether you’re 10 or 37. But most friendships probably started because one person made a tiny effort and the other person made one back.
Keeping friends might actually be harder. Life gets busy, especially as adults, and it’s easy to assume the people we care about know we care about them. Send the text anyway. Make the plan. Remember the thing they told you about. Celebrate the good stuff with them and show up for the hard stuff. Friendship doesn’t have to mean talking every day, but I do think it means continuing to make space for each other.
Maybe that’s the answer I should have given the kid. A friend is someone you enjoy being around, but it’s also someone who makes you feel like there’s a place for you in their life. You make a little effort, they make a little effort back, and over time you keep choosing each other.
Actually… maybe that’s pretty good advice for the adults too.