The Sunday Scaries: Maybe Take the Chance

I started going to a book club this month.

Which, honestly, is probably a small example of what I want to talk about this week. Going somewhere new, sitting in a room with people I didn’t really know, and then somehow ending up in a conversation about some of our deepest fears.

You know, casual book club stuff.

We talked about letting people down, looking stupid, failing, not being open enough, putting yourself out there and having it not work out. And as I sat there listening, I kept hearing a common theme underneath a lot of it: taking a chance is freaking hard.

Because the alternative is really, really comfortable.

There is a reason we stay in our comfort zones. They work. We know what happens there. We know the routine, we know the people, and we know what we are good at. Maybe more importantly, we know how to avoid the things we aren't good at. It’s the path of least resistance, and honestly, there is something pretty nice about that.

And I don't even think comfort is necessarily a bad thing. Routine can be good. I love a routine. There is something great about knowing what your day looks like and feeling like you have some control over it. But I think the problem comes when comfortable quietly turns into stuck, and we don't even really notice it happening.

Sitting in that room of strangers talking about fear, I started thinking about what it actually means to face one. I think sometimes we picture facing a fear as this giant, dramatic moment where we suddenly decide we aren't scared anymore. Quit the job. Get on the plane. Tell the person how you feel. Sign up for the thing. Jump straight into the deep end and hope you figure out how to swim.

But maybe it doesn't have to work like that.

Maybe facing something you're afraid of is a lot more boring than that. Maybe you just put your feet in the water for a while. Then next time you go a little deeper. You don't have to cannonball into the damn pool just because you finally decided you wanted to get in.

I think that's where taking chances can feel a little more manageable. It doesn't have to mean blowing up your entire life or becoming some wildly adventurous new version of yourself overnight. It might just mean sending an email you've been thinking about, going somewhere by yourself, trying something you've always wondered about, saying yes when your first instinct is to come up with an excuse, or finally having a conversation you've been avoiding.

And sure, some of those things might not work out. You might look a little silly. Someone might say no. You might try something new and discover that you absolutely freaking hate it. But that's also kind of the deal, right? If we want the possibility of something new happening, we have to accept at least a little bit of the possibility that it doesn't go the way we hoped.

The funny thing is, I don't think most of us need to completely reinvent our lives. We probably just need to get a little more comfortable being uncomfortable every once in a while. Because every time we do something that scares us a little bit and survive it—which, spoiler alert, we usually do—the scary thing gets just a tiny bit smaller.

So that's the homework this week. Think about something you've been avoiding, putting off, or talking yourself out of simply because it feels uncomfortable. You don't have to conquer it this week, and you definitely don't need to jump into the deep end. Just ask yourself what putting your feet in the water would look like.

Maybe it's sending the text. Maybe it's showing up somewhere new. Maybe it's asking the question, signing up for something, or finally telling somebody what you've been thinking. Whatever it is, make it small enough that you can actually do it.

Because your comfort zone isn't the enemy. It's comfortable for a reason, and sometimes it's a pretty great place to be. I just don't know if we're supposed to spend all of our time there.

So this week, maybe wander a few steps outside of it and see what happens.

You can always come back.

But you might find something out there worth staying for.

How Do You Find Your Peace?

This week, I woke up at 5:00 a.m. to go for a walk, a practice I’ve been trying to add to my days since returning to school. This particular morning was different. There was a lightning storm in the distance, and I found myself completely in awe watching the sky light up while everything around me was still dark and quiet.

Then it started pouring. For about 45 seconds, the rain came down HARD, and admittedly, I was a little annoyed. Here I was, awake at 5:00 in the morning trying to do something healthy and peaceful, and now I was soaking wet. But almost as quickly as it started, it stopped, and the storm gave way to an incredible sunrise filled with pinks and reds. Somewhere in the middle of all of it, I found myself hysterically laughing. How amazing is it to be awake, basically dancing through a rainstorm, and watching another day begin?

Life can be a lot of things. It can be stressful, sad, overwhelming, busy, exciting, lonely, full, or sometimes strangely empty. We’re really good at noticing all of those things, especially the difficult ones. But peaceful? Peace seems to be one of those things that gets pushed aside.

I think part of the problem is that we expect peace to be bigger than it actually is. We imagine a vacation, an empty calendar, a weekend in the mountains, or some magical day where nobody needs anything from us. But maybe peace isn’t the absence of stress, responsibility, or difficult things. Maybe it’s just the little moments we find in the middle of them.

What brings you peace? Is it a late-night concert on a school night with your partner? Sitting outside watching the bugs, stars, sunsets, or people having fun? Walking your dog? Playing music? Spending time with the people you care about most? Peace can feel so difficult to find, yet somehow it’s also all around us. Sometimes we’re just moving too fast to recognize it.

Your Peace Homework

This week, find one peaceful moment every day. You don’t have to change anything about your routine or go searching for some perfect moment. Just notice it when it happens. Stay there for a few extra seconds and actually take it in.

Life is going to keep being stressful, weird, beautiful, frustrating, funny, and hard—sometimes all within about 45 seconds.

But peace is there too.

This week, let’s make sure we notice it.

Sunday Scaries: A Box of Assorted Feelings

As I head into year 14 as a school psychologist, and year 10 at the same school, I feel a little bit like one of those Valentine’s boxes of assorted chocolates.

Except instead of chocolates, it’s feelings.

I’m excited. Excited to meet new kids, reconnect with the ones I already know, try new things, and take on whatever challenges come my way.

I’m also nervous. Who wouldn’t be?

Even though I’ve been doing this for twice as many Super Bowls as Tom Brady has won, there’s still some self-doubt that sneaks in before the first day.

What if I mess up? What if my lessons aren’t good? What if I’m not as good at this as I used to be?

And underneath all of that, I’m happy to be back. I get to run around at recess, spend my days with some pretty amazing kids and coworkers, and be a sounding board when someone needs to talk about the hard stuff, or just whatever weird thing happened that day.

It’s a pretty full box of chocolates.

Where Did Summer Go?

Every year around this time, I do the same thing.

First, I grieve summer.

Where did it go? How is it already over? What did I even do?!

Then I actually stop and think about it.

Oh yeah.

I traveled. I spent time with friends and family. I played music. I had some great days. I had some hard days. I had moments I wish I could go back to and others I’m perfectly fine leaving behind.

Because summer doesn’t magically exempt us from being human.

Life still has its ups and downs whether we’re working or not. The difference is that summer can give us a little more room to move through them.

Then school starts again and suddenly the calendar fills up. The alarms come back. Our days become much more structured.

There’s something comforting about that. I know where I’m supposed to be. I know what my day generally looks like.

But structure doesn’t mean certainty.

There are still going to be surprises. There will be great days and days when absolutely nothing goes according to plan.

So instead of wishing summer could last forever, I’ve been thinking about a different question:

What parts of summer can I bring with me?

Bring Some of It With You

When life was less structured this summer, what actually helped?

For me, I made time for things I enjoyed. I got outside. I traveled. I played music. I spent time with people I care about. And sometimes I did absolutely nothing without trying to turn it into something productive.

Why do those things suddenly become optional when we’re busy?

We talk a lot about wanting to “be more present,” but that’s a pretty vague goal. So this year, I’m trying to make it more concrete.

• Keep something fun on the calendar. It doesn’t need to be a vacation. Give yourself something to look forward to.

• Get outside. Walk, run, sit in the grass, throw a ball around. Just get out of the building for a little while.

• Protect your people. Busy schedules have a funny way of pushing relationships to the bottom of the list.

• Let rest actually be rest. You don’t have to optimize every free second.

• Notice the good moments while they’re happening. Not six months later when you’re looking through pictures wishing you could go back.

The things that recharge us don’t need to disappear just because the calendar says August.

Another Sunday Scary

School is a lot of things.

It can be challenging, stressful and, yes, a little scary.

But that’s not the whole story.

School is seeing your friends again. It’s having adults in your life who care about you. It’s discovering something you’re good at. It’s learning something you didn’t know yesterday. It’s struggling with something, trying again, and realizing you can do hard things.

And maybe that’s what I need to remember heading into year 14.

I don’t need to have the entire year figured out on the first day.

Neither do you.

So as another summer ends and another school year begins, here’s this week’s Sunday Scary:

What is one thing from your summer that helped you feel like yourself, and how can you make sure you don’t lose it when life gets busy again?

Summer has to end.

The good parts don’t have to.

Sometimes You Miss Your Train by Two Minutes

This summer my mom and I traveled through Europe. If you’ve ever traveled by train, you know they’re kind of amazing… until they’re not.

Sometimes we’d make our connection with minutes to spare. Other times we’d watch the train pull away just as we got to the platform. Once, because of the heat, trains were delayed for hours. Plans changed. Routes moved. We ended up hopping on trains we never planned to take and visiting places we never expected to see.

At the time, those moments felt frustrating. It’s easy to get caught up thinking, “This isn’t how today was supposed to go.”

But looking back, I don’t really remember the delays.

I remember wandering through train stations with my mom, laughing while trying to figure out announcements in languages we didn’t understand, stumbling across beautiful little towns, and realizing that somehow we always got where we needed to be.

It made me think about how often life works the same way.

As we head back to school, there will be days that don’t go according to plan. Maybe your child doesn’t get the teacher they were hoping for. Maybe they forget their lunch, have a hard test, don’t make the team they wanted, or have a friendship that feels different than expected.

Our first instinct is often to focus on everything that’s gone wrong. We replay it. We worry about what might happen next. Before we know it, one difficult moment has taken over an entire day.

The truth is, we spend a lot of time trying to control things that were never ours to control.

We can’t control train delays. We can’t control traffic. We can’t control other people’s choices. We can’t control every challenge our kids will face this year.

What we can control is how we respond.

We can choose patience over panic. Curiosity over frustration. Gratitude over resentment. We can remind ourselves, and our kids, that a change in plans doesn’t have to become a bad day.

Years from now, I won’t remember what time our train was supposed to leave.

I’ll remember taking that trip with my mom.

And I have a feeling that years from now, our kids won’t remember every worksheet, every quiz, or every schedule change either. They’ll remember the people who made them feel safe, encouraged them when things didn’t go as planned, and reminded them that sometimes the unexpected parts of the journey end up being the best stories.

Here’s to a new school year.

I hope we all remember that missing the train isn’t always the end of the adventure. Sometimes it’s just the beginning of a different one.

How to Make the Most of the Upcoming Summer Break

Summer is starting, and I think a lot of us hit this time of year expecting ourselves to magically feel relaxed and happy the second life slows down.

And at first, it does feel good.

The alarms ease up.
The calendar opens up.
There’s finally room to breathe again.

But something weird also happens with too much unstructured time: days start disappearing.

You wake up, scroll a little, run an errand, watch something, maybe tell yourself you’ll do something “tomorrow,” and suddenly it’s somehow mid-July.

None of that is bad, by the way. Rest matters. A lazy day is not a wasted day. I think people forget that sometimes.... especially me !

But I do think summer feels better when at least some of it is intentional.

Not packed.
Not over-scheduled.
Just… a bit... purposeful.

The summers people remember usually aren’t the ones where they optimized every second. They’re the ones where they were actually present for parts of it.

A random concert.
Late-night talks on a patio.
Learning something for no reason other than curiosity.
Reading outside.
Road trips.
Morning walks.
Starting a project you may or may not finish.
Actually texting the friend you keep saying you miss.

Small things, but real things.

I’ve been thinking lately that a pretty good framework for summer is probably just:

Rest a little.
Connect a little.
Grow a little.

Sleep in sometimes.... I mean I'm going to try for 6:30
See people you care about.
Try something new.
Get outside more.
Let your brain breathe for a minute.

You don’t need to “win” summer.

You also don’t need to accidentally sleepwalk through it either.

Because time is strange like that. The older you get, the faster it seems to move. And I think part of that is because routines make weeks blur together.

Presence slows things down.

Attention slows things down.

So this is probably my reminder to myself as much as anybody else:

Don’t let the whole summer happen in the background.

Why Some People Feel Draining to Be Around

You know what’s interesting about friendships as you get older?

You start realizing that not every relationship is supposed to feel draining.

For a long time, I think I confused loyalty with emotional endurance. I thought being a good friend meant always listening, always helping, always calming someone down, always carrying the emotional weight of the relationship. And don’t get me wrong, good friendships absolutely involve support. Life gets messy. People go through hard seasons. We all need people sometimes.

But there’s a difference between supporting someone and becoming responsible for their emotional stability.

I’ve had friendships where I’d leave dinner, a phone call, or even just a quick interaction feeling strangely exhausted. Not because anything dramatic happened. Just because the entire relationship revolved around managing someone else’s emotions. Every conversation became about a crisis. Every frustration needed immediate solving. Every situation somehow became emotionally urgent.

And after enough time, you start noticing something: some people add energy to your life, and some people quietly take it from you.

The older I get, the more I value people who can carry themselves emotionally. Not people who never struggle, honestly, I trust people more when they’re open about struggling …but people who know how to regulate themselves without making everyone around them responsible for fixing their internal world.

I remember thinking about this after spending time with two different groups of people in the same week. One interaction left me completely depleted. I felt tense driving home, replaying the conversation, almost like I had just worked a shift instead of hung out with friends. The other group? We laughed, talked about real things, vented a little, joked around, and afterward I felt lighter than when I arrived. Same amount of time. Completely different emotional effect.

That’s when it really clicked for me.

Healthy relationships don’t constantly feel like emotional triage.

The best people to be around usually bring some combination of self-awareness, accountability, humor, perspective, and emotional steadiness. They don’t dump every feeling onto other people and expect them to carry it. They own their emotions while still allowing connection and vulnerability.

And honestly, those relationships feel safe in a completely different way. You don’t leave feeling responsible for someone else’s nervous system.

You leave feeling more like yourself.

I think a lot of us slowly learn this lesson over time: being kind does not mean you have to emotionally absorb everyone around you. You can care deeply about people while also recognizing which relationships consistently leave you anxious, depleted, guilty, or emotionally overextended.

The people who belong in your life long term are usually the ones who add something to it — peace, laughter, perspective, encouragement, honesty, calm, energy, growth. Not constant chaos disguised as closeness.

And once you experience relationships that feel energizing instead of exhausting, it becomes a lot harder to settle for the ones that only drain you.

Why Waiting for Confidence Doesn’t Work

A lot of people believe confidence is something you’re supposed to feel before you act. The idea is that once you finally feel ready, once those nerves calm down and your brain gives you the green light…then you’ll take the step. You’ll speak up in the meeting, try something new, start the project, or have the conversation you’ve been avoiding. It sounds nice in theory, but in real life, that’s almost never how it works.

Confidence doesn’t usually show up first. It tends to come after we act, not before.

I was reminded of this the first time I played live music in front of people. It wasn’t some massive crowd, but in my head it might as well have been a stadium. I remember standing there with sweaty hands, overthinking every note, and feeling completely unprepared. There was no moment where I suddenly felt confident. No internal voice saying, “You’ve got this.” If anything, it was the opposite, my brain was actively suggesting I pack up and disappear. But I played anyway. It wasn’t perfect (honestly, parts of it were objectively rough), but I got through it. And that experience, messy as it was, mattered more than any amount of mental preparation I could have done beforehand.

That’s the part people miss. Confidence isn’t something your brain hands you in advance as a reward for thinking hard enough. It’s something your brain builds through evidence. Each time you do something uncomfortable and survive it, your brain takes note. “Okay, we tried that. It wasn’t ideal, but we didn’t fall apart. Maybe we can handle that again.” Over time, those small moments stack up, and eventually your brain starts to trust you, not because things feel easy, but because you’ve proven you can handle difficulty.

If you think about learning anything new, playing guitar, driving a car, giving a presentation, no one starts confident. The first attempts are almost always awkward and clumsy. You hesitate, you overthink, you make mistakes. That’s not a sign that something is wrong; that is the process. The problem is that many people interpret that discomfort as a signal to stop, when in reality it’s just a normal part of learning.

This is why waiting to feel confident can keep people stuck for a long time. The feeling they’re waiting for usually doesn’t arrive until after they’ve already started. It’s a bit like waiting to feel in shape before going to the gym—it sounds logical, but it completely reverses how growth actually works.

From a psychological standpoint, confidence is less about emotion and more about memory. Your brain is constantly scanning past experiences and asking, “Have we done something like this before, and did we make it through?” Every time the answer is yes, even a shaky, imperfect yes, it strengthens your sense of capability. Over time, that repeated exposure builds something more durable than a temporary feeling: it builds trust in yourself.

That’s why confident people aren’t necessarily less anxious or more certain. They’ve just accumulated more experiences where they’ve handled discomfort and come out the other side. They don’t expect things to feel easy; they trust that they can figure things out when they’re hard.

So confidence isn’t the absence of nerves, self-doubt, or awkwardness. It’s the belief that those things won’t overwhelm you. And that belief isn’t something you think your way into, it’s something you build through action.

If there’s something you’ve been putting off because you’re waiting to feel more confident, it might be worth flipping the approach. Instead of asking, “How do I feel ready?” the better question is, “What’s one small version of this I could try right now?” Not perfectly, not flawlessly, just enough to give your brain a new piece of evidence.

Because in the end, confidence doesn’t come from waiting. It comes from showing up, doing the uncomfortable thing, and realizing, again and again, that you’re more capable than your brain initially gives you credit for.

Why We Think Everyone Is Judging Us…And why they usually aren’t

Most of us are walking around stuck on a thought…

People are watching me.

They notice when I say something awkward.
They notice when I stumble over my words.
They notice when I do something a little off.

It feels like there’s a spotlight on us at all times, just highlighting every tiny mistake.

There’s actually a name for this: the spotlight effect.

It’s the tendency to wildly overestimate how much other people are paying attention to us.

But here’s the reality that’s both humbling and freeing:

Most people are way too busy thinking about themselves.

They’re replaying their own conversations.
Thinking about their own stress.
Wondering if they sounded weird five minutes ago.

Everyone else is standing in their own spotlight.

Think about the last time someone said something a little awkward around you.

You probably noticed… for like two seconds.

Then your brain moved on.

Back to your life. Your thoughts. Your stuff.

But when it’s you?

That same moment becomes a full-blown highlight reel.

Why did I say that?
Did that sound dumb?
I shouldn’t have said that…

And suddenly a 10-second moment turns into a 10-hour mental loop.

What’s interesting is… that loop usually has way more to do with us than the situation.

When anxiety is high, the spotlight gets brighter.
When confidence is low, everything feels more exposed.

But when people start to feel a little more grounded in themselves, something shifts.

They stop performing.

They stop monitoring every word.

They just… exist in the moment.

And ironically, that’s when they become easier to connect with.

Not because they suddenly got better socially.

But because they stopped trying so hard.

So how do you actually push through the spotlight effect?

Not by trying to “be perfect.” That just feeds it.

Instead:

1. Shrink the audience in your head
Remind yourself: No one is analyzing me the way I’m analyzing me.
Literally say it if you need to.

2. Let the moment be awkward
Don’t fix it. Don’t over-explain.
Most of the time, the recovery is worse than the moment.

3. Shift your focus outward
Ask a question. Get curious about the other person.
Attention is like a flashlight—you can aim it away from yourself.

4. Stop the replay early
Catch it when your brain starts looping:
“Yep, that happened. Moving on.”
You don’t need a full post-game breakdown.

5. Practice being seen imperfectly
This is the real work.
Say something slightly messy. Be a little off. And… survive it.
That’s how the spotlight loses power.

The weird truth is this:

When you stop worrying so much about how you’re coming across…

You actually come across better.

More relaxed.
More natural.
More you.

And that’s what people connect with anyway.

Not perfection.

Just presence.

The Difference Between Comfort and Happiness

Comfort and happiness often look the same from the outside.

A routine.
A familiar place.
A life that feels steady and predictable.

But psychologically, they’re very different experiences.

Comfort feels safe.

It’s the same breakfast order.
The same drive.
The same conversations.
The same environments where you already know how things will go.

Comfort protects you from stress.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.
We all need places in our lives where we can relax and not have to think so much.

But happiness doesn’t really come from staying there.

Happiness tends to show up when we move toward something that matters.

Trying a new food.
Traveling somewhere unfamiliar.
Starting a conversation with someone you wouldn’t normally talk to.
Learning something new.
Putting yourself in a situation where you don’t quite know how it’s going to go.

Those moments don’t feel comfortable.

They feel uncertain.
Sometimes awkward.
Sometimes even a little stressful.

And that’s where people can get stuck….

Because when something feels uncomfortable, the brain is quick to say:

“Something’s wrong!” “Don’t do this!

But a lot of the time, nothing is wrong.

You’re just doing something new.

You’re stretching.

You’re stepping outside of what’s familiar.

And that feeling… the slight discomfort, the uncertainty… is often the exact space where growth happens.

Comfort keeps life stable.

But too much comfort can slowly make life feel smaller.

The days start to blur together.
Nothing feels especially bad… but nothing feels especially exciting either.

Happiness usually lives just outside that space.

Not in chaos.
Not in constant stress.

Just a little beyond what you’re used to.

It’s in trying something different.
Meeting someone new.
Saying yes when your first instinct is to stay where it’s easy.

That doesn’t mean you need to change everything.

Sometimes it’s small.

Ordering something new instead of the usual.
Taking a different route.
Talking to someone new.
Putting yourself in a slightly unfamiliar situation and staying there long enough to realize you’re okay.

The goal isn’t to eliminate comfort.

Comfort matters.

But when comfort becomes the only goal, life can start to shrink without you really noticing.

And sometimes, the way back to feeling more alive isn’t a huge change.

It’s just a small stretch.

So the question becomes:

Where might you be ready to step just a little outside your comfort zone?

Why We Overthink Text Messages

Few modern experiences trigger anxiety quite like a short text message.

You send something thoughtful.

Then the response comes back.

“Okay.”

“Sure.”

“Sounds good.”

Four words or fewer.

And suddenly your brain starts spinning.

Are they annoyed?
Did I say something wrong?
Why was that response so short?
Are they upset with me?

Within seconds, a simple exchange can turn into a full psychological investigation.

The strange thing about texting is that it removes almost everything our brains normally rely on to understand communication.

When people talk face to face, we get information from dozens of signals.

Tone of voice.
Facial expressions.
Body language.
Timing.

Those signals help our brain interpret meaning.

But texting removes most of those clues.

All that’s left are words on a screen.

And when the brain encounters missing information, it does what it always does.

It fills in the gaps.

Unfortunately, anxious brains tend to fill those gaps with negative interpretations.

A short reply becomes a sign of irritation.

A delayed reply becomes a sign of rejection.

A missing emoji becomes a sign of emotional distance.

But most of the time, the explanation is far less dramatic.

They were walking somewhere.
They were busy at work.
They responded quickly between meetings.

Sometimes a short message is just… a short message.

One of the challenges of modern communication is that we often read emotional meaning into messages that were never meant to carry that much weight.

And once the brain starts spinning a story, it becomes hard to stop.

This is why many therapists encourage people to pause when they notice themselves analyzing texts too deeply.

Instead of asking:

What does this mean?

It can be helpful to ask:

Do I actually have enough information to know what this means?

Most of the time, the answer is no.

And when we allow for that uncertainty, something interesting happens.

The anxiety often fades.

Because the story our brain was writing never had much evidence in the first place.

Why We Feel Like Giving Up…And what that feeling is actually trying to tell us

Everyone reaches a moment where they want to quit.

A project.
A relationship.
A goal.
A plan that once felt exciting but now just feels heavy.

Sometimes the thought shows up quietly.

What’s the point?

Other times it’s louder.

Maybe I should just give up.

Most people assume that feeling means something has gone wrong.

But often it means something else.

It means you’ve reached the middle.

And the middle is where motivation almost always disappears.

The beginning is fueled by hope

When we start something new, our brain is full of energy.

We imagine the outcome.

The new job.
The healthier routine.
The stronger relationship.
The finished project.

Hope carries us through the beginning.

The middle is fueled by friction

Then reality arrives.

Things take longer than expected.
Progress feels slow.
Effort starts to outweigh excitement.

This is the point where people start wondering if they should quit.

But the feeling of wanting to give up isn’t always a sign you’re failing.

Often it’s just a sign that the easy energy has run out.

Now the work becomes something different.

Not excitement.

Commitment.

Why the feeling gets so strong

Our brains are built to conserve energy.

When something becomes difficult, the brain starts asking questions like:

Is this worth it?
Is there an easier option?
Would stopping feel better?

Those thoughts aren’t weakness.

They’re just the brain doing its job.

The problem is that the brain is very good at detecting discomfort, but not very good at predicting long-term reward.

So when the middle gets hard, the brain starts trying to escape.

The question that helps

When the urge to quit shows up, most people ask the wrong question.

They ask:

“Should I give up?”

But that question usually leads to panic thinking.

A better question is:

“What kind of tired am I?”

Sometimes we are:

• physically tired and need rest
• emotionally tired and need support
• mentally tired and need a break

But sometimes we’re just experiencing the normal discomfort of doing something that matters.

Learning the difference is important.

Because quitting something that matters often creates a different kind of pain later.

Regret.

What actually helps in those moments

When people push through the “giving up” phase, they rarely do it through sheer motivation.

Instead they do something much simpler.

They make the next step smaller.

Instead of finishing the project…

Work on it for 20 minutes.

Instead of fixing the whole relationship…

Start one honest conversation.

Instead of changing everything…

Change one small habit today.

Momentum doesn’t return through huge effort.

It returns through tiny forward movement.

One quiet truth

Most meaningful things in life pass through a phase where quitting feels reasonable.

Friendships.
Careers.
Creative projects.
Personal growth.

The feeling of wanting to give up doesn’t mean you chose the wrong path.

Sometimes it just means you’ve reached the point where the path becomes real.

And that’s the part most people don’t talk about.

How We Actually Make Friends

It’s not charisma. It’s something much simpler.

People often think friendship happens through some kind of natural social magic.

Like some people just have it.

They’re funny.
Outgoing.
Effortlessly social.

And the rest of us are left wondering how it works.

But most friendships don’t actually form that way.

They form through something much simpler.

Repeated small moments.

Most friendships begin with three ingredients.

1. Proximity

We become friends with people we simply see often.

Classmates.
Coworkers.
Neighbors.
People at the gym.
Parents standing next to us at a soccer game.

Psychologists call this the propinquity effect.

But really it just means this:

Friendship grows where life overlaps.

The more often two people share space, the more chances they have for small interactions.

And small interactions are where friendships start.

2. Low-stakes conversations

Friendships rarely begin with deep conversations.

They begin with things like:

“Cold today.”
“Did you see that game?”
“Your dog is really friendly.”

These small conversations might seem meaningless.

But they do something important.

They signal safety.

They tell the other person:

This is someone easy to talk to.

Over time those tiny conversations slowly become longer ones.

3. Gradual vulnerability

Eventually something shifts.

Someone shares a little more.

Maybe a small frustration.
A story about their weekend.
Something personal but not too personal.

The other person shares something back.

And little by little, trust grows.

Friendship doesn’t appear all at once.

It builds in layers.

The mistake people make

A lot of adults struggle with making friends for one simple reason.

They think friendship requires effortful social performance.

But friendship actually grows from something much quieter.

Showing up repeatedly.

Same coffee shop.
Same climbing gym.
Same running group.
Same neighborhood walk.

When people see each other often enough, familiarity slowly turns into connection.

And connection slowly turns into friendship.

The surprising truth

Most friendships don’t start with chemistry.

They start with consistency.

Which means if you’re hoping to make friends, the question isn’t:

“How do I become more interesting?”

The better question is:

“Where can I show up regularly around the same people?”

Because friendship usually grows from shared space and small conversations, not social brilliance.

And once you know that, making friends becomes much less mysterious.

Control vs. Influence

Why trying to control everything might be the thing making you anxious

There’s a quiet trap most of us fall into without noticing.

We start trying to control things that were never actually ours to control.

Other people’s reactions.
How quickly a problem resolves.
Whether someone understands us.
How an event turns out.
Whether our plans go exactly right.

The strange part is that the more we try to control those things, the more anxious we become.

Because deep down we know something our brains don’t want to admit:

Control is mostly an illusion.

Very little in life is truly under our control.

Weather.
Traffic.
Other people’s feelings.
How a conversation lands.
Whether someone changes their mind.

But there is something else available to us.

Something much quieter.

Influence.

Influence is different.

Influence says:

I can’t control the outcome…
but I can shape the conditions.

A teacher can’t control whether a student tries hard in class.

But they can create a room where trying feels safe.

A parent can’t control whether their child makes the perfect choice.

But they can influence the kind of person their child becomes.

A musician can’t control whether a crowd loves a song.

But they can influence the moment by showing up fully and playing it well.

Influence works slowly.
Control tries to work immediately.

That’s why control fuels anxiety.

When we believe we must control the outcome, every uncertainty feels dangerous.

But when we shift to influence, the pressure changes.

Instead of:

“I have to make this go perfectly.”

It becomes:

“What small thing can I do to move this in a better direction?”

Influence is lighter.

It leaves room for other people’s freedom.
It leaves room for mistakes.
It leaves room for life to unfold.

Ironically, people who stop trying to control everything often end up having more real impact.

Because people don’t respond well to control.

But they respond to presence, patience, and consistency.

And that’s where influence lives.

So the next time anxiety creeps in, it might be worth asking one simple question:

Am I trying to control this…

or

am I trying to influence it?

One of those will exhaust you.

The other one will set you free.

Kindness Isn’t Soft…It’s a Skill

Kindness gets misunderstood.

We talk about it like it’s just being nice.
Sharing.
Smiling.
Saying please and thank you.

But real kindness, the kind that lasts, is not soft.

It’s a skill.

Kindness Requires Regulation

You can’t be kind when you’re dysregulated.

When your body is flooded with stress, fear, or anger, the brain shifts into protection mode.
And protection mode doesn’t think about others, it thinks about survival.

That’s why kids who are struggling emotionally often get labeled as “unkind.”

Not because they don’t care.
But because their nervous system is busy.

Kindness comes after regulation, not before it.

You Can’t Force Kindness

We try though.

“Be nice.”
“Say sorry.”
“That wasn’t kind.”

But forced kindness teaches performance, not empathy.

Kids learn kindness when they experience it.

When someone:

• pauses instead of snapping

• stays instead of walking away

• listens instead of correcting

That’s how the brain learns,

“This is how humans treat each other.”

Kindness Is Built in Small Moments

Kindness isn’t grand gestures.

It’s:

• letting someone calm down before talking

• inviting someone back into the game

• noticing when a friend is quiet

• choosing repair over being right

Those skills don’t come naturally to all kids.
They are taught, practiced, and modeled.

The Kindness That Matters Most

The kindness kids remember isn’t always how others treated them.

It’s how they were treated when they struggled.

When they messed up.
When they were loud.
When they were overwhelmed.
When they were not their best selves.

That’s the kindness that sticks.

And that’s the kindness that teaches kids how to be kind to others — and eventually, to themselves.

When Kids Look Fine at School but Fall Apart at Home

There’s a pattern I see over and over again.

A child is “great” at school.
Listens. Behaves. Holds it together.
Then they get home… and everything falls apart.

Big feelings.
Tears.
Anger.
Refusal.
Meltdowns over socks, snacks, or nothing at all.

Parents often ask, “Why does this only happen with me?”
And underneath that question is usually something heavier:
“Am I doing something wrong?”

You’re not.

What you’re seeing isn’t bad behavior.
It’s biology.

Holding It Together Costs Something

School asks a lot of kids.

Sit still.
Follow directions.
Read the room.
Manage disappointment.
Be flexible.
Use your words.
Wait your turn.
Try again.

For some kids, that effort takes everything they have.

So they mask.
They comply.
They keep it together.

And then they come home.

Home is safe.
Home is where the nervous system finally says,

“Okay. I don’t have to hold this anymore.”

And the feelings spill out.

Not because you’re permissive.
Not because they’re manipulative.
But because their body finally has permission to unload.

The Meltdown Is the Release, Not the Problem

We often try to fix after-school meltdowns.

We reason.
We correct.
We lecture.
We threaten consequences.

But what kids usually need in that moment isn’t logic — it’s regulation.

Their nervous system isn’t asking,

“What should I do differently?”

It’s asking,

“Am I safe enough to let go?”

What Actually Helps

Here’s what helps more than lectures ever will:

• Fewer questions right after school

• Predictable routines

• Snacks without conditions

• Movement or quiet (not both)

• A calm adult nervous system nearby

And sometimes just this sentence:

“You worked really hard today.”

Not “Why are you acting like this?”
Not “You were fine at school.”

Just recognition.

The Reframe That Changes Everything

If your child melts down at home, it often means:

• They trusted school enough to try

• They trusted you enough to fall apart

• They used every ounce of regulation they had

That’s not failure.

That’s effort.

And effort needs a soft place to land.

Why Emotional Regulation Is Harder After Screens

Hello, World!

If you’ve ever noticed that your child is more irritable, impulsive, tearful, or explosive after screen time, you’re not imagining it, and you’re not failing as a parent.

This is one of the most common patterns I see as a school psychologist.
It’s also one of the most misunderstood.

Let’s talk about why emotional regulation is harder after screens, and, more importantly, what actually helps.

What’s Really Happening in the Brain

Screens aren’t inherently bad. They’re engaging, stimulating, and often genuinely enjoyable.

The issue isn’t morality.
It’s nervous system load.

Most screen-based activities:

• Provide rapid rewards

• Require very little effort

• Offer constant novelty

• Bypass frustration and waiting

For a developing brain, especially one still building executive functioning skills, this creates high stimulation with very low regulation demand.

When the screen turns off, the brain doesn’t gently shift gears.
It slams on the brakes.

That’s when you might see:

• Explosive reactions to small problems

• Difficulty transitioning

• Increased defiance or emotional outbursts

• “Zombie-like” behavior followed by dysregulation

This isn’t manipulation.
It’s withdrawal from stimulation.

Why Some Kids Struggle More Than Others

Not all children respond to screens the same way

Kids who tend to struggle more after screens often have:

• ADHD or executive functioning challenges

• Anxiety (especially fear of getting in trouble or doing things “wrong”)

• Sensory sensitivities

• A nervous system that already runs “hot”

For these kids, screens don’t just entertain—they temporarily regulate.

When that regulation disappears, their internal system doesn’t yet know how to recalibrate on its own.

The Biggest Myth: “They Just Need Less Screens”

Reducing screen time can help, but it’s rarely the full solution.

I often see families remove screens entirely, only to find that:

• Meltdowns still happen

• Emotional regulation doesn’t magically improve

• Everyone feels more exhausted

Why?

Because regulation is a skill, not an on/off switch.

If screens are the only thing helping a child regulate, removing them without teaching replacement strategies just leaves a gap.

What Actually Helps

1. Build a Transition Buffer

Don’t go straight from screen → expectation.

Try:

• A 5–10 minute warning

• A predictable routine (“screens off → snack → movement”)

• A visual timer or countdown

Transitions are regulation opportunities, not inconveniences.

2. Add Movement Before Demands

Movement helps the nervous system reset.

This doesn’t need to be fancy:

• Jumping jacks

• A short walk

• Carrying something heavy

• Climbing, stretching, or roughhousing

Think body first, behavior second.

3. Lower Expectations Temporarily

Right after screens is not the time for:

• Homework battles

• Big conversations

• High-level problem solving

This isn’t “giving in.”
It’s understanding that timing matters.

4. Narrate, Don’t Lecture

Instead of:

“You need to calm down.”

Try:

“Your brain is still coming down from screen mode. Let’s help it reset.”

This builds awareness without shame.

5. Teach Regulation Outside the Moment

Skills don’t stick during meltdowns.

Practice regulation when your child is calm:

• Naming feelings

• Noticing body cues

• Trying calming strategies before they’re needed

Meltdowns are not teaching moments.
They’re support moments.

A Reframe That Helps Parents

If screen time is followed by dysregulation, the takeaway isn’t:

“Screens are ruining my child.”

It’s:

“My child needs more help transitioning and regulating.”

That’s a solvable problem.

And it gets better with understanding—not punishment.

Final Thought

Screens aren’t the enemy.
They’re powerful tools, and powerful tools require support.

When we shift from controlling behavior to supporting nervous systems, kids don’t just behave better.

They feel better.

And honestly?
So do parents.

When Something You Love Goes Away

Sometimes, something really important goes away.

It might be a person you love.
A pet.
A teacher.
A friend.
A home.
A routine.
Even a version of life that felt safe.

And when that happens, it can feel confusing, heavy, or unfair—especially for kids, who don’t always have the words yet.

Here’s something important to know first:

If you feel sad, mad, quiet, weird, or nothing at all—you’re not doing it wrong.

Loss doesn’t come with instructions.

Loss Can Look Like a Lot of Things

Grown-ups sometimes think “loss” only means when someone passes away. But kids lose things in lots of ways:

• A best friend who moves away

• A pet that doesn’t come home

• Parents who separate

• A favorite teacher changing schools

• A grandparent who gets very sick

• A life that suddenly feels different

Your brain notices when something meaningful disappears.
Your heart notices too.

Feelings Don’t Follow Rules

Some days you might cry.
Some days you might laugh and feel fine.
Some days you might feel mad at everyone.
Some days you might not feel much at all.

All of that is allowed.

Feelings don’t line up neatly. They show up when they want to.

Missing Means It Mattered

Here’s a gentle truth I tell kids all the time:

If it hurts to miss someone or something, that means it was important.

The pain isn’t proof that you’re weak.
It’s proof that you cared.

And caring is a good thing, even when it hurts.

You Don’t Have to “Be Over It”

Sometimes people say things like:

• “You’re so strong.”

• “At least you still have…”

• “It’s time to move on.”

But healing doesn’t mean forgetting.
It doesn’t mean pretending nothing happened.

It means learning how to carry the memory without it hurting quite as much.

That takes time. And time looks different for everyone.

A Small Thing That Can Help

If you’re a kid (or helping one), try this:

Name it.
You can say:

• “I miss ___.”

• “I’m sad because ___.”

• “I don’t like that this changed.”

Saying it out loud helps your brain and heart work together.

You’re Not Broken

If you’re hurting, nothing is wrong with you.
If you’re not hurting yet, nothing is wrong with you either.

Loss is part of being human.
And humans heal best when they’re allowed to feel, ask questions, and be honest.

One Last Thing

Even when something goes away,
what it gave you doesn’t disappear.

The love stays.
The memories stay.
The way it changed you stays.

And you don’t have to carry it alone.

The Kids in the River (and the Courage to Walk Upstream)

A few weeks ago, I was sitting in a training when the presenter shared a familiar make-believe story. A group of people are standing by a river when they notice a child floating past, clearly in distress. Without hesitation, someone jumps in and saves them. Moments later, another child comes down the river, then another. More people jump in. The rescuers are exhausted but determined, pulling kids out one by one. Eventually, someone stops and says, “I’m heading upstream to figure out why all these kids keep ending up in the river.”

It’s a powerful metaphor, especially in schools, mental health, and helping professions. We are very good at reacting. We know how to respond to crises, behaviors, meltdowns, failing grades, emotional explosions. Intervention is a real skill. Being able to stay calm, jump in, and help someone who is struggling matters deeply. Sometimes, it’s lifesaving. Reaction is not a weakness, it’s often an act of courage.

But prevention? That’s a different muscle entirely.

Here’s the part of the story that stuck with me, and honestly made me uncomfortable. What if I’m the best swimmer there is? What if I’m really good at jumping in the river? What if people rely on me because I’m calm in chaos, steady in emergencies, effective in the moment? What if helping downstream is where I feel competent, valued, and needed?

And then comes the harder question: if I’m so good in the water, why would I ever leave it?

Walking upstream means stepping out of what we know. It means asking bigger, messier questions. In schools, it might look like moving beyond managing behavior to asking what conditions are creating it in the first place. Are expectations unclear? Are kids overwhelmed, hungry, anxious, disconnected, or trying to communicate something we’re not hearing? Are we responding to the same patterns over and over because the system itself hasn’t changed?

Upstream work is slower. It’s less dramatic. No one claps when a crisis doesn’t happen. There’s no obvious rescue, no visible splash. Prevention often looks like relationship-building, structure, teaching skills before they’re needed, and changing environments instead of just correcting behavior. It can feel unsatisfying when you’re used to being the one who jumps in and saves the day.

But real change usually happens upstream.

This doesn’t mean we stop rescuing kids in the river. We will always need strong swimmers. There will always be moments that require quick response, compassion, and skill. The work downstream matters. It always will. But if that’s the only place we operate, we stay stuck in an endless cycle of reaction—busy, tired, and wondering why nothing ever truly improves.

Sometimes the bravest move isn’t jumping in again.

Sometimes it’s setting the whistle down, walking upstream, and asking: What can I change so fewer kids ever end up here in the first place?

That walk is uncomfortable. It asks us to give up being the hero in the moment and instead become a quiet architect of something better. And while it might not feel as rewarding at first, it’s often where the biggest, most lasting impact lives.

Homework: Walk Upstream

You don’t need a clipboard. You don’t need to fix everything. You just need a little honesty.

Step 1: Name Your River
Think about a situation where you spend a lot of time “jumping in.”

• A repeated behavior at school

• The same argument at home

• A student, child, or client who keeps ending up in crisis

• Or even you—the same stress showing up again and again

Write it down in one sentence:

“I keep rescuing people from __________.”

Step 2: Acknowledge Your Swimming Skills
This part matters. What are you actually good at downstream?
Are you calm in chaos? Good at de-escalation? Empathetic? Quick to problem-solve?
Write 2–3 things you do well when things go wrong.

This isn’t sarcasm. These are real skills. Honor them.

Step 3: Ask the Uncomfortable Question
Now try this—without judgment:

“Why am I always the one in the river?”

Sometimes the answer is need.
Sometimes it’s habit.
Sometimes it’s identity.
Sometimes… it’s where we feel most competent.

There’s no wrong answer here.

Step 4: Take One Step Upstream (Not the Whole Hike)
You are not required to solve the entire system. Choose one small upstream move:

• Teaching a skill before it’s needed

• Changing an expectation or environment

• Having a proactive conversation instead of a reactive one

• Asking a “why” instead of giving a consequence

• Or simply noticing a pattern and naming it

Write it as:

“One thing I could try upstream this week is __________.”

Step 5: Keep the Lifeguard on Duty
This isn’t about abandoning the river.
You’re allowed to go back in when it’s needed.
You’re just choosing not to live there full-time.

Optional Reflection (For the Brave)

“If fewer people needed rescuing, who would I get to be?”

Sit with that one. No rush.

Isn’t getting older grand?

A child I work with recently told me they’re scared to get older.

They talked about bigger expectations. More responsibility. Harder days.
They worried that something important might disappear—that being older would mean less fun, less safety, less magic.

It wasn’t dramatic. It was honest.

And sitting there with them, I realized how often we talk about getting older like it’s something to brace for instead of something to step into.

We warn kids about it.
We joke about it as adults.
We measure it in losses more than gains.

But the truth is, getting older isn’t just about what gets heavier.
It’s also about what gets wider.

What We’re Afraid Of When We Think About Getting Older

The fear makes sense.

Getting older does come with more responsibility.
More decisions.
More moments where no one swoops in to fix things for you.

For kids, that can feel like the end of something precious.
For adults, it can feel like a narrowing—fewer options, fewer chances, fewer firsts.

We don’t lie when we acknowledge that weight.
But we miss something important when we stop there.

What Actually Grows With Age

What we don’t talk about enough is how much capacity grows as we age.

You gain skills you couldn’t have accessed earlier:

• Emotional regulation

• Perspective

• Knowing when to push and when to rest

• Knowing what matters and what doesn’t deserve your energy

These skills don’t arrive all at once.
They stack quietly, year after year, often unnoticed until you need them.

You also gain new freedoms:

• Choosing your people

• Choosing your pace

• Choosing how much you explain

• Choosing what you no longer carry

Getting older doesn’t mean you lose agency.
It often means you finally get to use it.

Three Generations, One Moment

This all hit me in the same week I was talking with that child.

I’m getting another year older next week.
Not in a dramatic way—just one of those birthdays that sneaks up on you.

At the same time, I’m planning a summer trip with my 78-year-old mom.
We’re traveling to foreign countries together—new streets, new languages, unfamiliar places.

Watching her plan that trip is a quiet reminder of something powerful:
getting older doesn’t mean you stop exploring.

It often means you explore with more confidence, more curiosity, and fewer apologies.

In one week, I’m holding:

• A child afraid of growing up

• My own reflection on aging

• And a parent who is still expanding her world

That doesn’t feel like decline.
It feels like continuity.

A Better Way to Think About “Older”

Getting older doesn’t mean the door closes.

It means the map gets bigger.

Each year adds tools you didn’t have before.
Each year gives you more choice about how you move through the world.

Yes, the stakes change.
Yes, responsibility increases.

But so does your ability to meet what’s in front of you.

What I Told the Child (and What I Tell Myself)

I didn’t tell my client not to be scared.

I told them that every year comes with new tools they don’t have yet—and that they won’t be alone when those years arrive.

And I think that’s the part worth holding onto.

The excitement of getting older isn’t loud.
It doesn’t announce itself.

It shows up quietly—in new skills, new freedoms, and the growing realization that you’re more capable than you once were.

That doesn’t mean life gets easier.
It means you get stronger at living it.

And honestly?
That’s something to look forward to.

Who’s Driving in Therapy?

A client once asked me a question I still think about all the time:
“Am I the driver in therapy? Or am I the passenger?”

My answer surprised them.
“You’re both.”

That question gets at something really important about counseling — and something people often misunderstand before they start.

Therapy Isn’t Something That’s Done to You

A common myth about therapy is that you show up, sit down, and someone fixes you. Like a tune-up. Or a repair shop. Or a place where you drop off your problems and pick them up solved.

That’s not how it works.

Therapy only works when you participate in it.

Not perfectly. Not confidently. Not even willingly all the time.
But actively.

You bring your thoughts, your fears, your patterns, your resistance, your honesty (even when it’s messy). That’s the fuel. Without it, we’re just sitting in a parked car talking about where we might go someday.

So What’s the Therapist’s Role?

If you’re the driver, the therapist isn’t a backseat driver barking orders.

Think of your therapist more like:

• A navigation system helping you notice where you are and where you keep ending up

• A mechanic pointing out patterns that keep breaking down

• A passenger with a map who can say, “Hey — we’ve been on this road before. Want to talk about why?”

We help you slow down, take turns you’ve avoided, and sometimes stop altogether when you’ve been white-knuckling life for too long.

But we don’t grab the wheel.

Why Your Role Matters So Much

Growth doesn’t happen during the hour alone.
It happens in the spaces between sessions.

Therapy asks you to:

• Notice patterns instead of ignoring them

• Practice skills when it’s uncomfortable

• Sit with feelings instead of outrunning them

• Try new responses even when old ones feel safer

That’s hard. And it’s why therapy can feel exhausting, frustrating, or even pointless at times.

But that’s also why it works.

You’re not just learning about yourself — you’re practicing being yourself differently.

Why We Do Therapy at All

We do therapy because most of us are driving with:

• Old maps

• Faulty warning lights

• Habits that once protected us but now keep us stuck

Therapy isn’t about becoming someone new.
It’s about understanding why you do what you do — and giving yourself more choice moving forward.

Sometimes that means speeding up.
Sometimes it means pulling over.
Sometimes it means realizing you’ve been driving on empty for years.

And sometimes it means finally asking for directions.

The Bottom Line

Therapy works best when you show up as both driver and passenger:

• Willing to steer

• Willing to observe

• Willing to be honest about where you are

Your therapist can help guide the journey…. but you’re the one living it.

And that’s exactly why it matters.