Asking for Help is OK!

I work with a lot of different people, kids, adults, interns, coworkers, students—and one thing I’ve noticed is that we are all pretty good at pretending we know what we’re doing.

There’s something difficult about admitting that we don’t know something. Maybe we’re embarrassed. Maybe we think people will see us as less capable or less intelligent. Maybe we’ve convinced ourselves that we should be able to figure it out on our own. So instead of asking for help, we struggle, make mistakes, waste a bunch of time, and occasionally make things way harder than they ever needed to be.

I learned this lesson while trying to fix something electrical at my house. I didn’t really know what I was doing, but instead of calling someone who did, I kept messing with it. I tried things. I got frustrated. I made mistakes. I even shocked myself, which probably should have been a pretty strong indication that perhaps I was no longer qualified for the job.

Eventually, I called a friend and asked for help. She showed me what I was doing wrong, explained what I needed to do, and we figured it out in about five minutes. Five minutes! I had probably spent twenty times that long trying to fake my way through it because that was easier than saying, “Hey, I don’t know how to do this.”

The funny thing is, research suggests that asking for help is actually an important part of learning. When we ask someone to explain something, show us what we’re missing, or help us work through a problem, we aren’t avoiding learning—we’re doing it. We also tend to underestimate how willing other people are to help us. That person you’re worried about bothering might actually be perfectly happy that you asked.

Of course, asking for help doesn’t mean handing somebody your problem and saying, “You do it.” Sometimes it’s simply saying, “Can you show me?” or “I’m stuck here. What am I missing?” The goal isn’t to have someone else do the hard thing for you. It’s to learn enough that maybe next time, you can do a little more of it yourself.

And pretending we know what we’re doing can have real consequences. Sometimes we waste an hour. Sometimes we make a mistake at work or school. Sometimes we make a bad decision because we were too afraid to ask a question.

So maybe the better question isn’t, “Why don’t I know how to do this?” Maybe it’s, “Who can help me learn how to do this?” Not knowing something isn’t the problem. Staying stuck because we’re afraid to admit we don’t know is.

This week, if you’re confused, overwhelmed, stuck, or just have absolutely no idea what you’re doing, try saying it. Ask the question. Call the friend. Raise your hand. Because asking for help isn’t proof that you aren’t capable. Sometimes it’s one of the smartest things you can do.

You don’t have to know everything. You just have to be willing to ask.