What’s Underneath the Anger?

For the last few weeks at school, I’ve been teaching fifth graders about anger. We started with anger thermometers, then talked about body clues, and this week we moved into anger icebergs: the idea that anger is often the part everyone sees, while underneath it might be worry, embarrassment, disappointment, sadness, fear, or feeling overwhelmed.

One student shared a great example. They talked about getting really mad at a sibling one morning because the sibling kept asking them for something while they were trying to get ready for school. At first, it sounded pretty simple: My sibling was annoying me, so I got mad.

But when we started looking underneath the iceberg, there was a lot more going on. They were worried about being late. They were thinking about what was happening at school that day. They felt rushed. And then there were all the other little worries that come with being an elementary school kid: friends, teachers, assignments, recess, fitting in, remembering everything you’re supposed to remember.

The sibling just happened to ask for something when the thermometer was already at about a seven.

There’s actually a reason anger can work like this. Anger can serve a protective function. When our brain perceives a threat, frustration, unfairness, or loss of control, our body prepares us to do something about it. Our heart rate can increase, our muscles tense, and our attention narrows toward whatever seems to be the problem. Anger gives us energy to act.

That can be incredibly useful. It’s also why the person asking you a completely innocent question at the wrong time can suddenly feel like Public Enemy No. 1.

And that’s why we spent time learning body clues before we ever got to the iceberg. Our bodies can tell us the temperature is rising before we understand what’s underneath it. Maybe your jaw tightens. Maybe your stomach feels weird. Maybe you start talking faster or louder. Maybe you get really quiet. Learning your own clues gives you a chance to catch yourself before the anger takes over the whole story.

The goal isn’t to get rid of anger. Anger is normal, and sometimes it’s telling us something important. The goal is to get a little better at understanding what it’s trying to protect.

So, homework for this week: the next time you notice yourself getting irritated, check your thermometer. Notice what your body is doing. Then take a look underneath the iceberg and ask yourself: What else am I feeling right now? What was happening before I got angry?

Maybe you really are just mad.

But maybe your sibling, partner, coworker, friend, or random person driving 12 miles under the speed limit—is just standing in front of something much bigger.