Who’s Driving in Therapy?
A client once asked me a question I still think about all the time:
“Am I the driver in therapy? Or am I the passenger?”
My answer surprised them.
“You’re both.”
That question gets at something really important about counseling — and something people often misunderstand before they start.
Therapy Isn’t Something That’s Done to You
A common myth about therapy is that you show up, sit down, and someone fixes you. Like a tune-up. Or a repair shop. Or a place where you drop off your problems and pick them up solved.
That’s not how it works.
Therapy only works when you participate in it.
Not perfectly. Not confidently. Not even willingly all the time.
But actively.
You bring your thoughts, your fears, your patterns, your resistance, your honesty (even when it’s messy). That’s the fuel. Without it, we’re just sitting in a parked car talking about where we might go someday.
So What’s the Therapist’s Role?
If you’re the driver, the therapist isn’t a backseat driver barking orders.
Think of your therapist more like:
A navigation system helping you notice where you are and where you keep ending up
A mechanic pointing out patterns that keep breaking down
A passenger with a map who can say, “Hey — we’ve been on this road before. Want to talk about why?”
We help you slow down, take turns you’ve avoided, and sometimes stop altogether when you’ve been white-knuckling life for too long.
But we don’t grab the wheel.
Why Your Role Matters So Much
Growth doesn’t happen during the hour alone.
It happens in the spaces between sessions.
Therapy asks you to:
Notice patterns instead of ignoring them
Practice skills when it’s uncomfortable
Sit with feelings instead of outrunning them
Try new responses even when old ones feel safer
That’s hard. And it’s why therapy can feel exhausting, frustrating, or even pointless at times.
But that’s also why it works.
You’re not just learning about yourself — you’re practicing being yourself differently.
Why We Do Therapy at All
We do therapy because most of us are driving with:
Old maps
Faulty warning lights
Habits that once protected us but now keep us stuck
Therapy isn’t about becoming someone new.
It’s about understanding why you do what you do — and giving yourself more choice moving forward.
Sometimes that means speeding up.
Sometimes it means pulling over.
Sometimes it means realizing you’ve been driving on empty for years.
And sometimes it means finally asking for directions.
The Bottom Line
Therapy works best when you show up as both driver and passenger:
Willing to steer
Willing to observe
Willing to be honest about where you are
Your therapist can help guide the journey…. but you’re the one living it.
And that’s exactly why it matters.