The Kids in the River (and the Courage to Walk Upstream)
A few weeks ago, I was sitting in a training when the presenter shared a familiar make-believe story. A group of people are standing by a river when they notice a child floating past, clearly in distress. Without hesitation, someone jumps in and saves them. Moments later, another child comes down the river, then another. More people jump in. The rescuers are exhausted but determined, pulling kids out one by one. Eventually, someone stops and says, “I’m heading upstream to figure out why all these kids keep ending up in the river.”
It’s a powerful metaphor, especially in schools, mental health, and helping professions. We are very good at reacting. We know how to respond to crises, behaviors, meltdowns, failing grades, emotional explosions. Intervention is a real skill. Being able to stay calm, jump in, and help someone who is struggling matters deeply. Sometimes, it’s lifesaving. Reaction is not a weakness, it’s often an act of courage.
But prevention? That’s a different muscle entirely.
Here’s the part of the story that stuck with me, and honestly made me uncomfortable. What if I’m the best swimmer there is? What if I’m really good at jumping in the river? What if people rely on me because I’m calm in chaos, steady in emergencies, effective in the moment? What if helping downstream is where I feel competent, valued, and needed?
And then comes the harder question: if I’m so good in the water, why would I ever leave it?
Walking upstream means stepping out of what we know. It means asking bigger, messier questions. In schools, it might look like moving beyond managing behavior to asking what conditions are creating it in the first place. Are expectations unclear? Are kids overwhelmed, hungry, anxious, disconnected, or trying to communicate something we’re not hearing? Are we responding to the same patterns over and over because the system itself hasn’t changed?
Upstream work is slower. It’s less dramatic. No one claps when a crisis doesn’t happen. There’s no obvious rescue, no visible splash. Prevention often looks like relationship-building, structure, teaching skills before they’re needed, and changing environments instead of just correcting behavior. It can feel unsatisfying when you’re used to being the one who jumps in and saves the day.
But real change usually happens upstream.
This doesn’t mean we stop rescuing kids in the river. We will always need strong swimmers. There will always be moments that require quick response, compassion, and skill. The work downstream matters. It always will. But if that’s the only place we operate, we stay stuck in an endless cycle of reaction—busy, tired, and wondering why nothing ever truly improves.
Sometimes the bravest move isn’t jumping in again.
Sometimes it’s setting the whistle down, walking upstream, and asking: What can I change so fewer kids ever end up here in the first place?
That walk is uncomfortable. It asks us to give up being the hero in the moment and instead become a quiet architect of something better. And while it might not feel as rewarding at first, it’s often where the biggest, most lasting impact lives.
Homework: Walk Upstream
You don’t need a clipboard. You don’t need to fix everything. You just need a little honesty.
Step 1: Name Your River
Think about a situation where you spend a lot of time “jumping in.”
A repeated behavior at school
The same argument at home
A student, child, or client who keeps ending up in crisis
Or even you—the same stress showing up again and again
Write it down in one sentence:
“I keep rescuing people from __________.”
Step 2: Acknowledge Your Swimming Skills
This part matters. What are you actually good at downstream?
Are you calm in chaos? Good at de-escalation? Empathetic? Quick to problem-solve?
Write 2–3 things you do well when things go wrong.
This isn’t sarcasm. These are real skills. Honor them.
Step 3: Ask the Uncomfortable Question
Now try this—without judgment:
“Why am I always the one in the river?”
Sometimes the answer is need.
Sometimes it’s habit.
Sometimes it’s identity.
Sometimes… it’s where we feel most competent.
There’s no wrong answer here.
Step 4: Take One Step Upstream (Not the Whole Hike)
You are not required to solve the entire system. Choose one small upstream move:
Teaching a skill before it’s needed
Changing an expectation or environment
Having a proactive conversation instead of a reactive one
Asking a “why” instead of giving a consequence
Or simply noticing a pattern and naming it
Write it as:
“One thing I could try upstream this week is __________.”
Step 5: Keep the Lifeguard on Duty
This isn’t about abandoning the river.
You’re allowed to go back in when it’s needed.
You’re just choosing not to live there full-time.
Optional Reflection (For the Brave)
“If fewer people needed rescuing, who would I get to be?”
Sit with that one. No rush.